I just want to say I love you and not have a doubt in my mind that I mean it.... 100%.

That sounds simple, but it's not.

It's really strange, the amount of things I have had in my head recently.

Those of you that know me well know it's pretty common for me to over analyze EVERYTHING, from a comment a stranger made to me to the way someone said goodbye over the phone. I go over these things in my head over and over again, and never really come to a conclusion about anything and continue to think about those things until finally my mind gets distracted with other daily events, and things one by one get filtered out, only to be replaced with something new to analyze.

I quite often let my thought process get the best of me, and my health has suffered, my emotional state has been fragile, I'm even losing my hair (yes, I'm balding at 23. Wonderful.)because I can't STOP WORRYING ABOUT THINGS THAT DON'T MATTER. I've tried, believe me. I just can't convince myself to stop doing this. I've had counseling and medication... and nothing helps. I had finally decided to just give up and accept the fact that I'm just strangely over analytical about people, and there's nothing I can do about it.

But recently, it's gotten worse.

I go to sleep and I dream these vivid dreams involving everything from cars to treadmills, trees, animals, a big city, movies, romance, heartache, death, birth, weddings, breakups..... I've had friends in my dreams, strangers, family members, ex-boyfriends, Dustin, Brett, Brett's friends I have never met before.... just so many people. I wake up from these dreams with a very INTENSE feeling and I start my day out that way. Wake up. what did that dream mean? did that really happen? Climb in the shower. Wash, rinse, repeat. what did they mean when they said that last night? why did i get that look from them? Look in the mirror. why am I constantly breaking out? i wish i could change so much about myself. Feel my heart ache as I think of a memory. why did things have to happen like this? why couldn't i fix it? what did you mean when you said this? Get dressed. what will i wear today? why am I gaining weight? why can't i just be ok with how i look in the mirror? Go to work. will i get there on time? i have so much to do today. what did my boss mean when she said this? why did they assign me this project? i am so bored. why can't i start on this project? why can't i be more motivated? why did that person leave me that myspace message? why did they say that comment on his page? why is that person such a fucking bitch? Go home. what did he mean when he left this? why don't i have any motivation to do this? why can't i write anything? why does he still talk about her? what did he mean in that message? why did you never say goodbye? why can't i be a better parent? i need to make more money. i should have worked out for longer. why does my family have to be so fucked up? i want to move out of tucson. i want to have cameron. why can't i handle this death? i can't have cameron, travis will win. why didn't i get cameron when i had the chance? why does it bother me so much? why would he say that? why did she say that? why did he say that? why? why? WHY? why is all the toilet paper gone? WHY CAN'T I STOP THINKING ABOUT STUPID SHIT ALL THE FUCKING TIME?

I don't know how to fix it.

The older I get, the more unsure I am about love.

Love baffles me and confuses me. Matters of the heart.... always difficult for me.

Maybe you're right, maybe I just don't work for things.





But I want to.

Sometimes I get the urge to look back on things that I have written, things that friends have written, things that strangers have written and I always eventually find myself wondering, "Why am I looking at this?"

I'd like to think that I want to re-visit past experiences and look at them with new eyes, realize how much everyone has changed and grown as people, and walk away with a better understanding of where I came from and what has made me who I am today.

Unfortunately it's too easy for me to get sucked into a memory, a state of mind... it's too easy for me to wonder about things that don't really matter anymore.

I'm in a very dark place right now, and it's hard to see the silver lining. it's hard to make out a cloud at this point.

Life is all about the choices we make and it's not easy to accept the fact that some of my poor choices have come with very dire consequences, to myself and to others. It will take years, maybe a lifetime to recover from this. Some things I can not fix, and I will also need to learn how to live with that as well.

You were right, Karma's a bitch.

I got mine. I finally got mine.

I've eaten about 20 tootsie rolls today. I kid you not, around 20. Probably more but I'm trying to be optimistic. I am probably going to shit myself very soon. I brought a huge bag of assorted candy to work for Halloween and put it in a bowl on my desk, so the residents could have some. I figured it was the nice thing to do. Everyone likes free candy. The problem is now I am sitting at a desk all day with a big bowl of candy right in front of me and I keep eating it. I can't stop. I ate another one while I was writing this, I really did. I've never been able to do many things in moderation, and this apparently is one of those things. I need to learn self control, in many aspects of my life.


Searching myspace today (which is just part of what I do at my desk job), I noticed a girl who I had seen before. She's pretty, and her profile used to be filled with comments from men. They were being flirtatious, telling her how pretty she was, inviting her out places. Now she is pregnant, and men no longer giver her any attention. I guess they don't want the baggage. I don't even know why I started thinking about this in the first place, but when I did it kind of bothered me. Probably because I have baggage too, and I can empathize. I'm difficult to love, I think anyone who has ever loved me will agree with that statement. I'm fucking crazy sometimes. That being said I can also be sweet, random, fun-loving, affectionate, sexy, funny, spontaneous, silly and I still think that I'm "worth it", damn it.

We all need a self confidence boost sometimes.

I have now received three appreciation cards from my employer. Two from my awesome manager and one from our Department staff. I feel loved and, appropriately, appreciated. They are filled with thank yous and praises and they make me smile when I look at them. It's nice to know that your work is valued and people are really happy with the changes you are making. Who would have thought that I would be working at a university and I would be loving my job? I never would have guessed. Two out of three of the cards have butterflies on the cover. Looking at them today, it made me wonder. Do people associate me with butterflies? I never really considered myself to be a "butterfly" person. Oddly enough though, the name Vanessa is Greek, and means butterfly. Thinking about it I don't see any correlation between the two, but I thought it was a random coincidence. Life is filled with random coincidences. I haven't really figured out if I believe there is some sort of meaning behind them, or if they are simply just that... random coincidences.

I'm running low on tea and I should probably fix that, it is a problem.

I have an eye doctor's appointment this weekend and I'll be getting new glasses soon.

I miss some people terribly, but that's life.

I need a haircut and cheesy as it sounds, I need love.

At the cafe again. This time it's Sunday afternoon and I'm sitting inside, AS FAR AWAY FROM THE SMOKING ROOM AS I CAN GET. I'm trying to quit smoking . Yesterday I only had half of a cigarette. Today I don't want to have a cigarette at all. We'll see how that goes. The parking meter outside says I love you on it in big white letters. I keep glancing over at it, as if it's speaking to me, or if it's some sign that I should be doing something or thinking about something particular that I'm not thinking about. Who knows.

Friday night was fun. Got pretty drunk, made an ass out of myself a couple of times. I went to a bar called the Yucca Tap Room and saw one of my old co workers there. Said hi to him for a little bit. Then when we wondered over to Denny's, I ran into an old friend Jonathan there. It's funny, Phoenix is such a big city, and you still run into people you know everywhere. Saw my friend Sean, it's always good to see him. Saturday I spent the day and evening alone, just thinking about all of the recent events in my life. I wrote some music, and slept. Today I'll probably do the same thing.

Exciting. It seems like every time my life is chaotic, I want nothing more than consistency and stability. Then when I get it I feel like everything is boring and my life needs some spice. One of these days I'll figure it out.

It's noisy and loud on Broadway tonight. There's a steady stream of traffic rolling by the window as I Iook out. Cars are honking at girls as they walk by, You don't even have to be attractive, you just have to have breats. Saturday night, the drunks are out and about the town. Everybody's looking for something or someone to do. That's downtown. Living here has definitely been an experience. Somthing new. It seems like I'm always looking for something new, some excitement in my life. My stomache is turning. I can't place the blame on one particular thing, maybe it was the food, maybe the cream in my italian soda, maybe the steady stream of smoke I can't seem to stop inhaling, I don't know. Whatever it is, my stomache is in knots.

I want to write more, but my fingers are frozen sitting next to this open window, and with the traffic noise I can't seem bto get the words out. More later. For now i'll leave things with this thought. "Did you ever have a job that you hated and worked real hard at? A long, hard day of work. Finally you get to go home, get in bed, close your eyes and immediately you wake up and realize... that the whole day at work had been a dream. It's bad enough that you sell your waking life for minimum wage, but now they get your dreams for free..."

20 years ago i...
1. almost two years old.
2. slept with my blankie
3. I lived in Louisiana.

10 years ago i...
1. Went to a "gifted and talented education" middle school and was still made fun of all the time.
2. Rode my bike all the time and lstened to Boyz II Men on my walkman.
3. Told my grandpa not to drink his soda in the car, because I saw something on TV that said "don't drink nad drive".

5 years ago i...
1. Was in a abusive relationship with my first boyfriend.
2. Got my first tattoo on my butt from a friend who did it at his house. My next tattoo was getting that one covered up.
3. Got my first car and drove it around, blasting Sublime. It had zebra seat covers and was a POS.

3 years ago i...
1. Left my husband.
2. Drank for one of the first times ever.
3. Realized that there was a whole world out there that I hadn't experienced yet.

1 year ago i...
1. Living in Scottdale.
2. Discovering my love for Karaoke at the Break Room.
3. was cuddling all night and saying I love you in the morning.

so far this year i...
1. moved back home.
2. spent more time with my son and am still trying to put all the pieces together.
3. realized that i have more growing up to do.

yesterday i...
1. drank strawberry chardonnay and danced to 80's music.
2. played in the puddles until my pants were wet.
3. hung out with some of my favorite girls.

today i...
1. got to wake up to a smile and stole some peach tea.
2. made garlic lime chicken, fresh sauteed green beans,and mashed potatoes for Lauren and I.
3. hung out with two of my favorite people, talked about guys and life with one, and got to cuddle and watch spiderman with the other.

tomorrow i will...
1. celebrate my little sister's birthday.
2. read a bedtime story.
3. see family I haven't seen in awhile.

in the next year...
1. I want to have some stuff recorded.
2. i will quit smoking.
3. take cameron to his first day of school and be excited to hear all about it when he gets home.

The days all seem to blend together. Days of thoughts and books and thought provoking books, nights of laughter and conversation and laughable conversations. Starry nights, that I have missed so much. I have watched the sunrise so many times now. It's peaceful, serene, inspiring. It gives me hope for the new day. It's quite symbolic if you think about it. Here I am, starting my life all over, again. Yet for the first time in years, I can sit and watch the sky turn from a shade of gray and blue to pink and orange and purple. It's beautiful to watch.

And onto a completely unrelated topic(well maybe not quite completely. I'm sure I could figure out some correlation between the two), I seem to have this way of relationship jumping as I've started to call it. Bad pattern indeed. I am aware of this fact about myself and every time a relationship presents itself to me I always have this unrealistic, optimistic hope that maybe this time things will be different. Maybe this time things will end better. Maybe I won't get hurt this time, or I won't hurt someone this time. Yet that never seems to be the case.

I was drinking wine the other night, up late and deep into conversation. I stumbled into the bathroom with a serious case of "alcohol pee". I took care of business, and stood by the sink to wash my hands. I stared at the sink, so white and clean, and the toothbrush holder caught my eye. I laughed at the fact that my toothbrush was in the holder, right next to his. How silly, I thought, and I wondered how many toothbrushes I had at different places. This thought started to bother me, and I pondered it for a moment and decided that I had a decent amount of lost toothbrushes in the world. I wondered if they had been tossed out by now, or if they were left untouched, just waiting anxiously for my arrival, or maybe even given to someone else that had use for them(that thought made me laugh, but who knows, people are gross sometimes). I picked up the toothbrush from it's holder and globbed toothpaste on it and started to brush my teeth. As the foam started dripping out the corners of my mouth I glanced in the mirror and noticed the light green stripes on my now foamy toothbrush. Those damn geen stripes. Realizing what that meant, realizing where that partcular toothbrush had been, a strange feeling of guilt and horror and sadness swept over me. I wanted to throw the toothbrush across the room and curse it's very existance. I HATE YOU TOOTHBRUSH, YOU HAVE RUINED ME I thought. Instead of hurling it with all my might at the wall and making a huge drunken scene screaming horrendous things at this poor toothbrush, I quickly rinsed it off and put it back in the toothbrush holder. Wrong place wrong time buddy, it's not your fault. And I left the bathroom, afraid to even glance at the toothbrush.

Funny, the importance of a toothbrush. Who would have thought.

The sky has been overcast and gray for the last few days. The rain comes with little warning, and suddenly the clouds release the water and it falls swiftly from the sky with no where to go but the streets and the ground that has trouble soaking it in. So it gathers in pools and puddles and runs throughout town, slowing down the traffic of already overly cautious drivers and soaking the pedestrians brave enough to face it. Or they just have no other choice. That's rain in Arizona, it always gets to every one. It's as though people have forgotten how to act in water, they are so chaotic and unprepared. I, on the other hand, face the rain, one eyed (with a lost contact lens you would think the rain would confuse me more) and focused. I know exactly where I have to go, what I have to do, the fastest way to get there, I have my water shoes on and I skip and dance in the pools and puddles. I wish it always rained. Maybe I would get more done.

Life has been very good in many ways and for that I am thankful. I am spending much more time with Cameron, and realizing more and more how absolutely wonderful and amazing he is. To think that this intellegent and gifted child came from me brings a smile to my face. I have been introducing him to music, to films, and to toys that I think every child should be exposed to. The other day while driving in the car, he told me that he liked Johnny Cash. We watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and he loved every minute of it. He now is the owner of a new kite, and as soon as the sky clears up a bit, he will be learning how to fly it. Every minute spent with him I am thankful for.

My other thoughts recently have been on my friends, old and new. There are many people that I miss dearly and that I hope are doing well. Jill, Polaris, Dace, Zach, Philip..... It saddens me that I have lost touch with these people. I know that most of it is purely because of my own recluse thoughts and my own recluse actions. But, I do love them and wish them the best. Hopefully one day I can play catch up with everyone on that list.

Becca is doing well, and I am very proud of her. She seems happier, more mature, more reasonable. It is nice to see that change in her. Maybe sometimes all it really takes is time and growth. Time does wonders. Karen is doing well too, although still a little down about herself, I think a new situation in her life may be just what she needs to meet more people and to help her feel good about herself. She has a good support system in her home now, and that can do wonders. I think about Andy all the time as well, and worry about all the things he is going through right now. I think he feels alone, and I know how that feels. It's a horrible place to be in. He is loved, very dearly by many people, and sometimes he just needs to see it.

I had a dream last night that it was my wedding day. Flowers and smiles filled the room, and everyone was glowing. An Orchestra played Canon D as I walked down the aisle and I was radiant and was filled with so much happiness. We danced, and he whispered in my ear to let him lead, and I did. I woke up to hugs and kisses and vitamins and french toast and felt so blessed to have people in my life that understand exactly what I've been through because they have been through the same things. They want to help, because they know how it feels, and I want to help them, because I know how it feels. There is an understanding here that is so bonding, a comfort that is so reassuring, and a voice of wisdom and inspiration. I am amazed.

What a fun couple of nights.

The Tucson show was 100 times better than the Phoenix show. Solar Culture is a great gallery and has amazing acoustics and the show was very intimate. Bella Lea was wonderful, it's the singer from Denali's new band and she has the most amazing voice I've ever heard. And she smokes. It's unreal.

Weds. night I met Tim Kasher and made an ass out of myself. The only thing I could think to say was "So, I heard you had a beard." Well he obviously doesn't now and I turned into retarded little fan when I shook his hand and my mind went blank. Of all the things I could have said, that was the worst.

Oh well.

Thurs. we got to see Tim go crazy on stage, just so into it. He said it was one of the best rock shows he's ever played, and encored with 4 songs, one of them he sings, "I'd wrap you in my sheets and kiss every bend and curve of your body until you scream...". He talked about where he sleeps on his tour bus, and how he woke up and had an erection. He spoke of how his brother was getting married in LA this weekend, and was just very intimate and very personable with the crowd.

It was really a great night.

So another long, rambling entry I'm sure.

There's nothing like feeling so alone on Valentine's Day when you actually have someone you are suppossed to be sharing the holiday with. I'm not sure what is worse actually. I have been alone on Valentines day before and it has never bothered me; but to have someone who I should be spending the holiday with and feeling like I am alone.... seems much worse.

We talked last night. It seemed it was one of those overdue talks, the kind that has been waiting and waiting just below the surface. We talked about splitting up, and about being in love, and about the whole 10 off and on months that we were seeing eachother. I remembered when we first split up, and how it seemed as if it were life or death, that things could not go on, it was the biggest heartache I have ever felt to date. Now months and months later, sitting in a cold, smoky garage, we talked about it so carelessly and nonchalantly. As if we knew our lives could go on, we planned how we were going to be friends, and talked like maybe that was the best option. It is funny because he says he knows at the end of the day, at the end of this life, that I'm the one he wants to be with. But I think he wants me to leave for now, and let him grow up a little, and let me grow up as well, and then find our way back to eachother. But under the conditions that I have not been with anybody else in the months/years we have been seperated. Not like I would want to any how, but you never know.

I have always been one to seek out company, to love companionship, the one that hated being alone. Now as the months progress I get more recluse in my own little world, in my mind, and in my heart. The last thing that I want is to be with another person. The last thing that I want is to be with anyone. I long for everything to go away and for me to live my life with myself as a companion and only a few select friends. I see how people become this way. I see how people loathe relationships and everything that they stand for.

If we part ways I'm sure that's exactly what I'll be doing. I might go out and have fun, but at the end of the night it will be just me.

On another note, I got a job today. But it's very minimal hours so I need another one as well. School is fun and entertaining, at least for now.

I miss Cameron, my little sister, and my mom. I actually miss my mom surprisingly.

i think my boyfriend hates me.

not even hates me, is just tired of me. bored. i have become boring vanessa who likes to stay in and do nothing. i know that i am known for being an extremely paranoid person, but hear me out. it's little everyday things, when his i love you's start to seem really routine. and his i'm sorry's don't really seem to have meaning behind them, like he's only saying them to appease me. almost as if he knows he has to say sorry or else i'll make a big deal about it so he does, but not because he is actually sorry. kisses are far and few between, it seems as if we kiss more in public then we do at home. almost as if we have to put on this "happy couple" act in front of everyone. or because we're drunk and then it's ok. i feel as if i haven't been kissed, i mean REALLY KISSED, in months. it depresses me. i wonder if it's something that every couple goes through at one point or if it's a bad sign that our relationship may not last. i'm not sure. I know relationships aren't easy. maybe i just want too much. it doesn't help that we have dealt with some tough situations the past few months. but... i don't know. i do love him so much and i hope things get better. i really do. how can you make someone feel passionate about you again?

i don't know. puzzling.

in other news, school seems to be going well, and i'm glad. i like my classes and i realize that i am a pretty intelligent person. i like school, and i like learning. knowledge is always appreciated.

i have thought a lot about my life the past year recently. i find myself wondering about a couple people in particular, how they are doing, and what happened to our friendship. maybe i will never know. i have never been the best at letting loose ends sit. i would like to know in a couple cases what exactly went wrong. most of them i believe were misunderstandings, or gossip, or other silly reasons to end a friendship. i don't let my friendships go that easily. not the ones i care about. it makes me feel as if i was insignificant in their life. and i suppose that is ok.

i just would like to know.

i am glad for the people that have stuck by my side time and time again and glad for the people who would never let me go.

Now that I'm 21 life doesn't suck quite as much... yay for me.

I am sorry.

I AM REALLY FUCKING SORRY.

I never meant to constantly remind you of the past, I didn't. Why is it that I feel like I have over come so many obstacles this past year only to be faced with so many more. So is life I suppose. To use one of Christians infamous quotes that will be forever stuck in my mind... Life is facing problems everyday, only to over come them and then face different ones... and then you die. I always thought this to be a little to pessimistic for my liking, but... you know know, it's not. You do live. And you do learn. And you do love. I loved you with all of my heart, and yes, I still do. This year hasn't been very easy. It has been so up and down, but you know, I love you EVEN MORE for that.

Maybe you have not shed a single tear but I have. I really have and I won't lie about that. Maybe some people really do bring out the worst in other people. But isn't it funny how I have seen you at your worst and I STILL LOVE you? This makes me think, everyday it makes me think. I have hated you so much, but I love you. And i miss you. It's ok that you don't want me in your life, I understand that. I can respect that. I think it's great that you seem happy. For the most part I am happy too. There is always a place for you in my heart. And in my life if thats what you want. I would do anything for you if you needed it. I hope you know that.

It's been a long road.... it hasn't ended yet. Not for me.

Breaking down in bars and bathrooms, all I did is what I had to. Don't believe me when i tell you, it's just what anyone would do.... Don't believe me when I tell you. It's something unforgiveable. Best friends means I pulled the trigger, best friends means you get what you deserved. Berst friends means I pulled the trigger, best friends means I get what I deserved.

That has always been it.

Much love and I'm thinking about you always.

I really wanted to say this in person. Or even on the phone would have been nice. But unfortunately all I am left to is my computer. And not by choice.

I don't think I would have had the heart to say it to you in person... it would never come out right, i still stumble on my words when I talk to you and get nervous and do the hair thing... I guess I really never got over that. There just wasn't enough time.

Is it because I'm running away from my fears? It's actually not... whoa. what a surprise! You should be proud of me. I actually wanted this...us... so much. I really did. But it's just so up and down, so on and off. I don't think it's me imagining it, I don't. You are so independent and busy with your life, and thats WONDERFUL. I would never ask for less than that---I think its great. YOU are great. YOUR life is AMAZING. You said you wanted to amaze me to no end and you did.

I guess it just comes down to the little things. I am in a point in my life where I need to count on people... thats why i have chosen the friends i have, i have cleared the people out of my life that I have, because I was sick of people not coming through for me and i was sick of dissapointing other people. And when I talk to you its wonderful. I get so happy and giggly and my face lights up, everyone around me can see it. And when I say I miss you, I really do. I've probably been thinking about you all day and wondering what you were doing and anxiously awaiting until the next time you call again..... And when I come home after a long day and all i want to hear is your voice and know how your day is... and I can't... I get upset. My mood starts to falter and I wonder what you've been doing all day and I wonder what you're doing at that current moment and I wonder what is keeping you from a simple phone call.... and I wait. Hoping you'll call back. And most of the time I go to sleep by myself upset and dissapointed because i don't know how you are, what youre thinking. I didn't get to tell you about my shitty day and about how the only thing that made me smile all day was the thought of you. And i go to sleep alone... with my mind a billion places other than sleep. And i tell myself... god this sucks. I can't do this, this hurts too much. And I wake up and at somepoint I get that one gratifying phone call, that one event that I was waiting for... and all of the sudden it gives me hope that maybe, maybe tonight things will be different. Maybe tonight he will call me... he will see me. Just maybe. *shakes head*

Maybes just aren't good enough for me anymore.

I think this hurts so much because the LITTLE THINGS DO MATTER.

And I know I'd never do it to you.

I will be sad and i will cry *I am crying* and I will probably call you and I will always wonder how I could let the guy of my dreams walk out of my life.

But this isn't fair to me. I know I don't deserve this.

and yeah. I missed you today.

..... reading through your journals.... you are always right.

Why must you always be right?

:/

My head is spinning. I feel like I'm going to vomit.