I just want to say I love you and not have a doubt in my mind that I mean it.... 100%.

That sounds simple, but it's not.

It's really strange, the amount of things I have had in my head recently.

Those of you that know me well know it's pretty common for me to over analyze EVERYTHING, from a comment a stranger made to me to the way someone said goodbye over the phone. I go over these things in my head over and over again, and never really come to a conclusion about anything and continue to think about those things until finally my mind gets distracted with other daily events, and things one by one get filtered out, only to be replaced with something new to analyze.

I quite often let my thought process get the best of me, and my health has suffered, my emotional state has been fragile, I'm even losing my hair (yes, I'm balding at 23. Wonderful.)because I can't STOP WORRYING ABOUT THINGS THAT DON'T MATTER. I've tried, believe me. I just can't convince myself to stop doing this. I've had counseling and medication... and nothing helps. I had finally decided to just give up and accept the fact that I'm just strangely over analytical about people, and there's nothing I can do about it.

But recently, it's gotten worse.

I go to sleep and I dream these vivid dreams involving everything from cars to treadmills, trees, animals, a big city, movies, romance, heartache, death, birth, weddings, breakups..... I've had friends in my dreams, strangers, family members, ex-boyfriends, Dustin, Brett, Brett's friends I have never met before.... just so many people. I wake up from these dreams with a very INTENSE feeling and I start my day out that way. Wake up. what did that dream mean? did that really happen? Climb in the shower. Wash, rinse, repeat. what did they mean when they said that last night? why did i get that look from them? Look in the mirror. why am I constantly breaking out? i wish i could change so much about myself. Feel my heart ache as I think of a memory. why did things have to happen like this? why couldn't i fix it? what did you mean when you said this? Get dressed. what will i wear today? why am I gaining weight? why can't i just be ok with how i look in the mirror? Go to work. will i get there on time? i have so much to do today. what did my boss mean when she said this? why did they assign me this project? i am so bored. why can't i start on this project? why can't i be more motivated? why did that person leave me that myspace message? why did they say that comment on his page? why is that person such a fucking bitch? Go home. what did he mean when he left this? why don't i have any motivation to do this? why can't i write anything? why does he still talk about her? what did he mean in that message? why did you never say goodbye? why can't i be a better parent? i need to make more money. i should have worked out for longer. why does my family have to be so fucked up? i want to move out of tucson. i want to have cameron. why can't i handle this death? i can't have cameron, travis will win. why didn't i get cameron when i had the chance? why does it bother me so much? why would he say that? why did she say that? why did he say that? why? why? WHY? why is all the toilet paper gone? WHY CAN'T I STOP THINKING ABOUT STUPID SHIT ALL THE FUCKING TIME?

I don't know how to fix it.

The older I get, the more unsure I am about love.

Love baffles me and confuses me. Matters of the heart.... always difficult for me.

Maybe you're right, maybe I just don't work for things.





But I want to.

Sometimes I get the urge to look back on things that I have written, things that friends have written, things that strangers have written and I always eventually find myself wondering, "Why am I looking at this?"

I'd like to think that I want to re-visit past experiences and look at them with new eyes, realize how much everyone has changed and grown as people, and walk away with a better understanding of where I came from and what has made me who I am today.

Unfortunately it's too easy for me to get sucked into a memory, a state of mind... it's too easy for me to wonder about things that don't really matter anymore.

I'm in a very dark place right now, and it's hard to see the silver lining. it's hard to make out a cloud at this point.

Life is all about the choices we make and it's not easy to accept the fact that some of my poor choices have come with very dire consequences, to myself and to others. It will take years, maybe a lifetime to recover from this. Some things I can not fix, and I will also need to learn how to live with that as well.

You were right, Karma's a bitch.

I got mine. I finally got mine.

I've eaten about 20 tootsie rolls today. I kid you not, around 20. Probably more but I'm trying to be optimistic. I am probably going to shit myself very soon. I brought a huge bag of assorted candy to work for Halloween and put it in a bowl on my desk, so the residents could have some. I figured it was the nice thing to do. Everyone likes free candy. The problem is now I am sitting at a desk all day with a big bowl of candy right in front of me and I keep eating it. I can't stop. I ate another one while I was writing this, I really did. I've never been able to do many things in moderation, and this apparently is one of those things. I need to learn self control, in many aspects of my life.


Searching myspace today (which is just part of what I do at my desk job), I noticed a girl who I had seen before. She's pretty, and her profile used to be filled with comments from men. They were being flirtatious, telling her how pretty she was, inviting her out places. Now she is pregnant, and men no longer giver her any attention. I guess they don't want the baggage. I don't even know why I started thinking about this in the first place, but when I did it kind of bothered me. Probably because I have baggage too, and I can empathize. I'm difficult to love, I think anyone who has ever loved me will agree with that statement. I'm fucking crazy sometimes. That being said I can also be sweet, random, fun-loving, affectionate, sexy, funny, spontaneous, silly and I still think that I'm "worth it", damn it.

We all need a self confidence boost sometimes.

I have now received three appreciation cards from my employer. Two from my awesome manager and one from our Department staff. I feel loved and, appropriately, appreciated. They are filled with thank yous and praises and they make me smile when I look at them. It's nice to know that your work is valued and people are really happy with the changes you are making. Who would have thought that I would be working at a university and I would be loving my job? I never would have guessed. Two out of three of the cards have butterflies on the cover. Looking at them today, it made me wonder. Do people associate me with butterflies? I never really considered myself to be a "butterfly" person. Oddly enough though, the name Vanessa is Greek, and means butterfly. Thinking about it I don't see any correlation between the two, but I thought it was a random coincidence. Life is filled with random coincidences. I haven't really figured out if I believe there is some sort of meaning behind them, or if they are simply just that... random coincidences.

I'm running low on tea and I should probably fix that, it is a problem.

I have an eye doctor's appointment this weekend and I'll be getting new glasses soon.

I miss some people terribly, but that's life.

I need a haircut and cheesy as it sounds, I need love.

At the cafe again. This time it's Sunday afternoon and I'm sitting inside, AS FAR AWAY FROM THE SMOKING ROOM AS I CAN GET. I'm trying to quit smoking . Yesterday I only had half of a cigarette. Today I don't want to have a cigarette at all. We'll see how that goes. The parking meter outside says I love you on it in big white letters. I keep glancing over at it, as if it's speaking to me, or if it's some sign that I should be doing something or thinking about something particular that I'm not thinking about. Who knows.

Friday night was fun. Got pretty drunk, made an ass out of myself a couple of times. I went to a bar called the Yucca Tap Room and saw one of my old co workers there. Said hi to him for a little bit. Then when we wondered over to Denny's, I ran into an old friend Jonathan there. It's funny, Phoenix is such a big city, and you still run into people you know everywhere. Saw my friend Sean, it's always good to see him. Saturday I spent the day and evening alone, just thinking about all of the recent events in my life. I wrote some music, and slept. Today I'll probably do the same thing.

Exciting. It seems like every time my life is chaotic, I want nothing more than consistency and stability. Then when I get it I feel like everything is boring and my life needs some spice. One of these days I'll figure it out.

It's noisy and loud on Broadway tonight. There's a steady stream of traffic rolling by the window as I Iook out. Cars are honking at girls as they walk by, You don't even have to be attractive, you just have to have breats. Saturday night, the drunks are out and about the town. Everybody's looking for something or someone to do. That's downtown. Living here has definitely been an experience. Somthing new. It seems like I'm always looking for something new, some excitement in my life. My stomache is turning. I can't place the blame on one particular thing, maybe it was the food, maybe the cream in my italian soda, maybe the steady stream of smoke I can't seem to stop inhaling, I don't know. Whatever it is, my stomache is in knots.

I want to write more, but my fingers are frozen sitting next to this open window, and with the traffic noise I can't seem bto get the words out. More later. For now i'll leave things with this thought. "Did you ever have a job that you hated and worked real hard at? A long, hard day of work. Finally you get to go home, get in bed, close your eyes and immediately you wake up and realize... that the whole day at work had been a dream. It's bad enough that you sell your waking life for minimum wage, but now they get your dreams for free..."

20 years ago i...
1. almost two years old.
2. slept with my blankie
3. I lived in Louisiana.

10 years ago i...
1. Went to a "gifted and talented education" middle school and was still made fun of all the time.
2. Rode my bike all the time and lstened to Boyz II Men on my walkman.
3. Told my grandpa not to drink his soda in the car, because I saw something on TV that said "don't drink nad drive".

5 years ago i...
1. Was in a abusive relationship with my first boyfriend.
2. Got my first tattoo on my butt from a friend who did it at his house. My next tattoo was getting that one covered up.
3. Got my first car and drove it around, blasting Sublime. It had zebra seat covers and was a POS.

3 years ago i...
1. Left my husband.
2. Drank for one of the first times ever.
3. Realized that there was a whole world out there that I hadn't experienced yet.

1 year ago i...
1. Living in Scottdale.
2. Discovering my love for Karaoke at the Break Room.
3. was cuddling all night and saying I love you in the morning.

so far this year i...
1. moved back home.
2. spent more time with my son and am still trying to put all the pieces together.
3. realized that i have more growing up to do.

yesterday i...
1. drank strawberry chardonnay and danced to 80's music.
2. played in the puddles until my pants were wet.
3. hung out with some of my favorite girls.

today i...
1. got to wake up to a smile and stole some peach tea.
2. made garlic lime chicken, fresh sauteed green beans,and mashed potatoes for Lauren and I.
3. hung out with two of my favorite people, talked about guys and life with one, and got to cuddle and watch spiderman with the other.

tomorrow i will...
1. celebrate my little sister's birthday.
2. read a bedtime story.
3. see family I haven't seen in awhile.

in the next year...
1. I want to have some stuff recorded.
2. i will quit smoking.
3. take cameron to his first day of school and be excited to hear all about it when he gets home.

The days all seem to blend together. Days of thoughts and books and thought provoking books, nights of laughter and conversation and laughable conversations. Starry nights, that I have missed so much. I have watched the sunrise so many times now. It's peaceful, serene, inspiring. It gives me hope for the new day. It's quite symbolic if you think about it. Here I am, starting my life all over, again. Yet for the first time in years, I can sit and watch the sky turn from a shade of gray and blue to pink and orange and purple. It's beautiful to watch.

And onto a completely unrelated topic(well maybe not quite completely. I'm sure I could figure out some correlation between the two), I seem to have this way of relationship jumping as I've started to call it. Bad pattern indeed. I am aware of this fact about myself and every time a relationship presents itself to me I always have this unrealistic, optimistic hope that maybe this time things will be different. Maybe this time things will end better. Maybe I won't get hurt this time, or I won't hurt someone this time. Yet that never seems to be the case.

I was drinking wine the other night, up late and deep into conversation. I stumbled into the bathroom with a serious case of "alcohol pee". I took care of business, and stood by the sink to wash my hands. I stared at the sink, so white and clean, and the toothbrush holder caught my eye. I laughed at the fact that my toothbrush was in the holder, right next to his. How silly, I thought, and I wondered how many toothbrushes I had at different places. This thought started to bother me, and I pondered it for a moment and decided that I had a decent amount of lost toothbrushes in the world. I wondered if they had been tossed out by now, or if they were left untouched, just waiting anxiously for my arrival, or maybe even given to someone else that had use for them(that thought made me laugh, but who knows, people are gross sometimes). I picked up the toothbrush from it's holder and globbed toothpaste on it and started to brush my teeth. As the foam started dripping out the corners of my mouth I glanced in the mirror and noticed the light green stripes on my now foamy toothbrush. Those damn geen stripes. Realizing what that meant, realizing where that partcular toothbrush had been, a strange feeling of guilt and horror and sadness swept over me. I wanted to throw the toothbrush across the room and curse it's very existance. I HATE YOU TOOTHBRUSH, YOU HAVE RUINED ME I thought. Instead of hurling it with all my might at the wall and making a huge drunken scene screaming horrendous things at this poor toothbrush, I quickly rinsed it off and put it back in the toothbrush holder. Wrong place wrong time buddy, it's not your fault. And I left the bathroom, afraid to even glance at the toothbrush.

Funny, the importance of a toothbrush. Who would have thought.

The sky has been overcast and gray for the last few days. The rain comes with little warning, and suddenly the clouds release the water and it falls swiftly from the sky with no where to go but the streets and the ground that has trouble soaking it in. So it gathers in pools and puddles and runs throughout town, slowing down the traffic of already overly cautious drivers and soaking the pedestrians brave enough to face it. Or they just have no other choice. That's rain in Arizona, it always gets to every one. It's as though people have forgotten how to act in water, they are so chaotic and unprepared. I, on the other hand, face the rain, one eyed (with a lost contact lens you would think the rain would confuse me more) and focused. I know exactly where I have to go, what I have to do, the fastest way to get there, I have my water shoes on and I skip and dance in the pools and puddles. I wish it always rained. Maybe I would get more done.

Life has been very good in many ways and for that I am thankful. I am spending much more time with Cameron, and realizing more and more how absolutely wonderful and amazing he is. To think that this intellegent and gifted child came from me brings a smile to my face. I have been introducing him to music, to films, and to toys that I think every child should be exposed to. The other day while driving in the car, he told me that he liked Johnny Cash. We watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and he loved every minute of it. He now is the owner of a new kite, and as soon as the sky clears up a bit, he will be learning how to fly it. Every minute spent with him I am thankful for.

My other thoughts recently have been on my friends, old and new. There are many people that I miss dearly and that I hope are doing well. Jill, Polaris, Dace, Zach, Philip..... It saddens me that I have lost touch with these people. I know that most of it is purely because of my own recluse thoughts and my own recluse actions. But, I do love them and wish them the best. Hopefully one day I can play catch up with everyone on that list.

Becca is doing well, and I am very proud of her. She seems happier, more mature, more reasonable. It is nice to see that change in her. Maybe sometimes all it really takes is time and growth. Time does wonders. Karen is doing well too, although still a little down about herself, I think a new situation in her life may be just what she needs to meet more people and to help her feel good about herself. She has a good support system in her home now, and that can do wonders. I think about Andy all the time as well, and worry about all the things he is going through right now. I think he feels alone, and I know how that feels. It's a horrible place to be in. He is loved, very dearly by many people, and sometimes he just needs to see it.

I had a dream last night that it was my wedding day. Flowers and smiles filled the room, and everyone was glowing. An Orchestra played Canon D as I walked down the aisle and I was radiant and was filled with so much happiness. We danced, and he whispered in my ear to let him lead, and I did. I woke up to hugs and kisses and vitamins and french toast and felt so blessed to have people in my life that understand exactly what I've been through because they have been through the same things. They want to help, because they know how it feels, and I want to help them, because I know how it feels. There is an understanding here that is so bonding, a comfort that is so reassuring, and a voice of wisdom and inspiration. I am amazed.